yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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