remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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