i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
