Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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