i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
