I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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