yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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