wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
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Do I have a choice?
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Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
