Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
