dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
