I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
