My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
