well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
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He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
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Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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