threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
