Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
