Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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