it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
