I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
