my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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