I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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