My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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