He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize