did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm having to shit out rocks
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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