You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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