Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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