just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
