tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
foreskin is a definite game changer
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
