Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
