textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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