I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Randomize
