all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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