rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
