U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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