I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
