I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
