just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just had sex bonerless
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
