Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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