I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
