I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
