He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
