I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My life is pants optional.
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