were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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