He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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