Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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