i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
