wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
