I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
