he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
