What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
please come you make the beer taste better
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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