and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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