You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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