I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
