Dual....:-)
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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