so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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