I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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