Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
