im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I supernannyed him into submission
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
