You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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