Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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